Sexism in the workplace: Tone Policing

I’ve wanted to write about women’s experiences and issues in the workplace for a long time. Not surprisingly, I’ve gotten pushback from men about this. “You’ll become unhireable” or “You’d be a walking HR concern” were the warnings I heard for simply wanting to write an article about the sexism I’ve experienced firsthand in my professional career.

Like Jesus Christ, just tell me to “Shut up, Karen” and save us both the time.

But no. Today, I feel the power of estrogen coursing through my veins. My XX chromosomes are raging within me. It’s fucking International Women’s Day! I’m writing it.

Freeze! It’s the tone-police.

You know, it is difficult to navigate professional settings where men are celebrated for certain traits (assertive, dominating, strong) and women are scolded for them (bossy, bitchy, hysterical). How are we even supposed to act?

All it takes is spending 30 seconds on any female work forum to find this issue pop up over and over again.

The keyword in the screenshot above is “female mentor.” AKA — I am confused because you are not acting like the stereotypical passive and nurturing mother-type I think you should be and it makes me uncomfortable. Please go back to women school and don’t come out until you’re no longer a huge bitch!

Ah yes, the always-evolving and precarious game that women have to play in order to fit into male-dominated spaces. Women have to deal with this constant struggle of balancing the perfect amount of stereotypical masculine and feminine traits in their behavior at work. For instance…

-If you don’t smile enough, you’re a hag but if you smile too much, you’re an airhead.

-Do bring up complex and sensitive topics at work, but make sure to over-apologize so as to not make anyone feel threatened.

-You should be clear about the things you want and need in order to do your job, but do spend at least five minutes agonizing over exclamation point placement in the slack message before you send it.

Side note: Even now, writing this in the comfort of my own home, I had to fight the urge to apologize in the intro for my tone in this article!

This delicate balance is not only difficult to achieve and wastes a lot of time because it’s completely unnatural, but it also obliterates our self-worth and how others see us because we are constantly reminded, conditioned, and corrected by men that we are the “other.” That we can’t even so much as send a stupid email without centering men first. Women will not be equal in the workplace until we can spend our time actually working, not worrying about vapid issues like, “how many exclamation points should I use” and “how much should I smile in this meeting” in order to make others comfortable.

And please, don’t forget how women police ourselves and each other. Some of the most critical and downright mean-spirited behavior against women has been from other women in the workplace. And you can’t really blame them. It’s like Game of Thrones out there. Except instead of a throne, it’s the one empty seat at the exec table and instead of the men looking like Pedro Pascal, they all look like overweight and scurvy-riddled versions of Sean Bean.

Jokes aside, it’s competitive for women in the workplace. Women find themselves in situations where they have to play along and participate in harmful misogyny to distance themselves as far away as possible from each other in order to align better with men.

And it can be something that is seemingly simple. I had a female boss tell a female coworker to use emoji in her conversations on slack so our male coworkers would feel more at ease. Forcing women to participate in these harmful stereotypes that wrongfully confirm that women should be nurturing and kind just perpetuates the belief that women don’t belong in male-dominated spaces. Women are constantly reminded to center men by being told time and time again to ignore our own needs and desires and instead spend more time and energy into making others comfortable.

Ugh, maybe being decapitated by a Valyrian steel sword wouldn’t be so bad in comparison to all this shit.

Lastly, when women are tone-policed, company performance suffers. Did that get your attention?

Simply put, when men spend their time tone-policing women and spend less time actually working and listening to the diverse and intelligent opinions women have to offer, it affects a company’s bottom line.

I once had a male coworker admit to me in front of two other male coworkers that he was purposefully withholding important client information from me for months because he “didn’t like the way I asked for it.” So not only did this hurt me and my ability to do my job, it hurt the entire company and customer base because we couldn’t implement the appropriate solutions in time.

And no, he did not get reprimanded. I, however, was told to adjust the way I spoke so it didn’t happen again. So, 10/10 for misogyny. Would not recommend.

Well. That was depressing.

And I’m not sorry!

Women should not have to suffer and spend extra time and energy centering and comforting men in order to be listened to and respected, in order to do our jobs, and in order to make ourselves and our company money. Women should not be punished for existing in the workplace.

So Happy International Women’s Day. And remember ladies…

Celebrate, but not too loudly.

Raise up women’s voices, but don’t forget to thank the male allies.

And always discuss misogyny in the workplace, but do make sure you start your sentence with “not all men.”